I’m ridiculously obsessed with my new vacuum.
I’m not an appliance girl. I think it has something to do with my whole distain of housework thing. But this new vacuum, it’s amazing. It lifts out and has a hardwood floor attachment that I can use, completely eliminating the need to sweep ever again! I’m all for anything that makes housework easier. Soon there will be an all-in-one vacuum, broom, mop that also does your laundry and washes your dishes. (Oh wait, that’s a maid.)
I’ve never been keen on cleaning. As a child my mother would bribe me to clean my room with allowance (that I never got), then turn to threats. It started with “No going out with your friends,” then “No TV.” It eventually got so bad she took the stereo from my room and at one point attempted to ban me from books. All of her punishments only resulted in me getting more and more creative. No stereo? That’s ok; I have a Discman, a karaoke machine, and a rubber band. I wrapped the headphones around the microphone, rubber banded them in place, turned on the Discman and karaoke machine, and blasted that ‘stereo’. Call me Ms. MacGyver. It never crossed my mind in all the time I spend trying to recreate the things I lost to just clean my room. Well, it did cross my mind, I was just too stubborn.
Eventually a friend would stop by and ask my if I wanted to go to the movies, or shopping, etc. When my mom informed them I couldn’t go until my room was clean, they knew the drill. Upstairs they marched, ready to stuff, tuck, and push. We would have that place spotless in a matter of minutes – that is, unless you looked under the bed or in any of the dresser drawers. On the way out my mother always called after us “You didn’t just stuff everything under the bed, did you?” my friend always returning with “Of course not, Jeanette!”
When I finally caved and actually did clean my room, it was like a treasure hunt. I found many long lost items (like my glasses… and my retainer. Oops). Ah, yes, my retainer. Black and white cow print, because I’m cool like that. Actually, it’s because I was awkward like that. See, my freshman year of high school I finally got my braces off. I was at a new school, and the cool girl in the classes had also just got her braces off (see! I’m cool just like her). She got her retainer about a week before I went in to get mine. This girl was the kind of girl the rest of us wanted to be like – tan and pretty, as a freshman in high school she was already sporting perky boobs we were all envious of. Everything about her was chic, and she made being cool look easy. So, there I was, a week before choosing my retainer – and I’m sure everyone understands how vastly important it was to have the trendy teeth accessories – when Chic Girl sits down next to me in study hall, pulls out her new retainer, and shows it off to us. (Looking back it sounds a little gross. It was not, I assure you.) Leopard print – genius!
Told you she was cool.
I went to my orthodontist appointment mulling over my options. I wanted to be ultra cool like Chic Girl, but flat out copying her would have the reverse effect. No one wants to be that girl. My orthodontist asked me what color I wanted and pulled out my options. Glitter, sheer, and mat plastic in pinks, blue, even black… any color imaginable. But, anyone can get regular old magenta with sparkles – I wanted to be like different, just like Chic Girl. Then my doctor said “Well, we do have some deluxe options…” He pulled out another sheet with hard plastic pieces bolted to it. There it was – the leopard print. And right next to it, I saw what I knew was the perfect choice… black and white cow print.
I didn’t realize until later that I was so far off the mark. I should have got the zebra retainer!
PS Is it bad that, years later, when Chic Girl was hired where I work then promptly fired for her lack of professionalism, I found a little… how shall I say this… oh, forget it. You know what I’m saying!