My Life as a Movie

Zack said the other day that living with me is like living with the Griswold’s.

Maybe it’s because of the dishwasher incident. It wasn’t really my fault. (really, it wasn’t!) We ran out of detergent for the dishwasher and picked some up at Costco. (I do feel the need to point out that Zack picked out the dishwasher detergent.) The next morning I grabbed the bottle, loaded the machine and hit start. And left for work. (Do you see where this is going yet?) The ‘dishwasher detergent’ was actually ‘dish soap’. Luckily Zack was home to clean the bubbles that continuously poured from the machine. The best part? Our dishwasher holds almost an entire bottle of soap so all you have to do is load it with dishes and hit start. Yeah, I filled it to the brim with regular dish soap. (In both Zack’s and my defense, the Costco dish soap looks ridiculously similar to the Target dishwasher detergent.)

Or maybe it started because of the day we left my car at the grocery store when it snowed. When we went to pick it up and I realized that I had left my car key at home. Back to the house we went to get them. Then I discovered I had my key in my purse the whole {expletive} time. Zack wasn’t too excited about that one.

Or it could have been last Thursday.

Thursday was the beginning of my weekend and I was looking forward to getting home and relaxing that night. Zack was working through the night and was a good four hour drive away. On the way home I discovered that it had started snowing. So far I’ve done fine driving in the snow. (As in, so far Zack’s been home and been able to come pick me up.)

I approached the turnoff that heads towards home and noticed more and more cars pulled off on the side of the road, but this didn’t deter me. Stubborn as I am I was determined to get my little car all the way home.

I’m proud of myself. I really am. Picture this: Little ‘ol me, slipping to the left, sliding to the right, holding on tight to the steering wheel and gritting my teeth as I peered through the white snow fall. All of that, and I made it. All. The way. Home. I snapped a picture of the road, sent it to Zack, and called him to tell him about my little victory.

“The great news is I made it home!” I exclaimed as I rummaged for my house keys. “The bad news is… I can’t find my keys.”

I searched my purse, my pockets, and my car. The thing is, the second I couldn’t find them I knew exactly where they were. They were in my other purse, with my wallet, inside the house. Hiking up the driveway I assured Zack that I would be fine and I’d find a way in, and I hung up. I noticed Zack’s big, thick wood-cutting jacket hanging up outside so I put it on and silently thanked him in my head. Then I proceeded to remove every screen from every window on the house. Not a damn window on that house was unlocked. Captain watched from inside the entire time, scratching at the door and wining. It was like he was saying, “Come on, Mom! Just open the door already!”

Zack called back and told me to just drive to his parent’s house and stay the night. One problem – I was out of gas and, as I mentioned before, my wallet was locked inside the house. So there I was, standing in the snow as the sun set, locked out of the house, the only other person with a was key miles away and not returning for another ten hours, and I had no gas nor the means to get gas. I wasn’t sure what to do but I was trying not to panic. I pulled up Google on my phone and searched “how to get past a deadbolt.” Great, if I ever get in trouble with the law that one is coming back to bite me.

Google told me that all you need to break into a door with a deadbolt is… well, all the tools that Zack has inside the house, probably sitting right next to my house keys. Alright, next move: I knew the sliding glass door on the deck was unlocked; the problem was getting 15 feet up onto the deck. I climbed into the bed of Zack’s truck and saw that he some straps and a four-foot ladder. “Ok, I’ll set the ladder below the deck in the snow, climb the ladder, toss the straps up and hook one of the posts, hoist myself up ten feet…” Ok, we all know that wasn’t happening. I may be athletically inclined but that just ain’t gonna work.

I decided that, as the sun completely gone at this point and it was still snowing, I would have to just suck it up and go to the neighbor’s house. I hadn’t met the neighbors yet and this definitely wasn’t the way I wanted it to go down. I hiked down the driveway shining my phone for light and walked across the street. The neighbors have a fenced in yard with a gate and I wasn’t sure where to open it, so I slowly walked from one end to the other checking the gate out as I did. I didn’t notice at first they were watching me from the inside. When I did notice I felt pretty ridiculous and a bit stalker-esque. I stopped in front of the gate and did my best ‘I’m not crazy or trying to hurt you, I’m your friendly neighbor!’ wave. I don’t think it went over too well as the woman stood up, walked over to the window and looked at me, then back around the corner. Ok, this was getting embarrassing. I stood and waited until she peeked back around, then gave another wave, this one more of an SOS wave. She stared for a moment, hesitantly walked to the door and opened it. Then it all came out in a rush.

“Hi, I’m Amber, your neighbor, I’m sorry to bother you but I locked myself out of the house and Zack’s out of town and I don’t have any gas and my wallet’s inside and the only way into the house is up on the deck and I wanted to knowifyouhavealadderIcanborrow.” Deep breath.

Turns out she and her husband are totally cool and close to the same age as Zack and I. They did have a ladder I could use and helped me up onto the deck where, yes, indeed, the sliding glass door was unlocked. We exchanged phone numbers and they advised me to get a hide-a-key before leaving. Once inside I snuggled up with Captain and a beer. What a way to start the weekend.

Now that I think about it, I really am a walking National Lampoon Movie…